There’s a lot going on in our worlds. Sending our children back to school and adults physically heading back to offices during it all has been fraught with a mixture of relief, apprehension, fear, anger and anxiety.  In this new world where we’re doing our best amidst seemingly insurmountable circumstances, it has never been more important to stay kind, respectful, and mindful of bullying behavior – both within ourselves, and in others. Yes, we can be on both sides of bullying, and no matter what’s going on in our environment, bullying is never acceptable and it’s essential we call it out to stop it in its tracks.

While most people are navigating the known with the unknown, ever-changing circumstances and mandates with personal options for need and choice the best they can, unfortunately others are lashing out as a result of fear, anger, lack of control and other triggers, using their forum of choice to bully. Bullying can be pronounced and obvious, or subtle, much harder to recognize. Whether it’s an attempt to impose ones’ beliefs, or efforts to exclude, undermine, belittle, demean, humiliate or gain a perceived sense of control, bullying is dangerous, making early spotting of potential bullying critical to better the chances for intervention.

Often thought of as a childhood affliction exclusively reserved for school settings (commonly shown in films), bullies aren’t born—they’re made. This cycle begins for those who grow up with bullying in their homes. Whether it is directed at you or you see it happening in your home and family, you can develop a problem with knowing what is acceptable interaction and communication. Bullies also act the way they do due to a lack of parental love and recognition. Because they feel insecure, bullies abuse others to try to feel powerful. Sadly, bullying doesn’t stop once puberty is over. Many adults experience bullying of some form in their romantic relationships, families, online, in community organizations, and in their workplace.  Despite the benefit of decades for additional emotional development, adults still bully. Why? Jealousies, and the pressure to conform and control or feel powerful often play a role. Even if bullying, cruelty, rudeness, and dismissiveness seem low-key, they can have devastating consequences. Often the result of bullying, is that sometimes tragically the shamed person who is marginalized feels that the only way to retaliate is to resort to senseless violence and even mass shootings. If we can support and recognize those who are alienated, sometimes a simple act of kindness and empathy can avert tragic consequences of domestic mass shootings.

These new times bring us growth opportunities. We are all navigating decisions normally private, respect others’ choices and accept differences, whilst doing what you need to do to keep yourself and your families safe.  Life has been getting harder for many and no one needs added stress of judgment and bullying. Listen to understand differences, without prejudgment. You may not agree with someone’s perspective, and that’s OK. Humanity by nature will never all feel the same or make the same choices – that’s why they make chocolate and vanilla ice cream along with sherbet and vegan sorbet.  With all the forms of bullying clearly defined, it makes it easier to spot when we see others at its receiving end, and see when we engage in it ourselves. When you see others being bullied, do you speak up? Wouldn’t you want someone to speak up for you or your child? Bullying is often a complicated mix of pain, resentment, lack of confidence, and abusive anger.

Whether you’re a parent helping to guide and protect your kids or simply an adult experiencing bullying in any form, the best way to deal with bullies is not to get angry, scared, or flustered, as this is often what the bully desires. If you feel safe enough, assert yourself verbally and tell them to “Stop their abuse, that it is embarrassing (mostly to the bully) and to show you respect.” Try to develop as much emotional distance as you can from the bully, so that you are less adversely affected by negative emotions and can carry on with your life.

Know that you are not powerless – there are resources and tools and support to both help defend and protect yourself and loved ones as well as transform ourselves. With strength, courage and hope inherent in us all – we can move through and shift whatever comes our way. If you are a victim of bullying, seek help with trusted friends, professionals and/or the authorities to put yourself on a path to healing with support.  If we can look at everyone – including bullies – with compassion, we can gain greater insight and solutions that can help everyone.