INSPIRATION
As a psychiatrist, running has become an antidote for a profession that is primarily sedentary and cerebral. Running allows me to release the day’s stress. Preparation for the marathon required training five days a week during the spring and summer. It was a new sport full of challenge and excitement. Despite the anxiety in not knowing if my body could go the distance, my “long” runs eventually extended to eighteen miles. I grew more confident. Finally, it was marathon morning.
As I moved emotionally forward and inward in order to surrender to write a memoir, the symbol of Molly taught me to insulate my creative energies more conservatively and efficiently. Whales have an ancient knowledge of how to use the creative force of breath to conserve oxygen under water by decreasing blood flow to areas of their body where it’s nonessential. Thinking about my Molly, an ancient symbol for creation, showed me the magnificence and power of my own creativity. I learned not to keep myself small but to embrace my vulnerabilities and shine to find my authentic voice. My inner corrective emotional experience bookended by my whale dream and my encounter with Molly marked more than a decade of inner spiritual growth. As a result of being ill, I awakened to my true self and divinity.
When I was healthy, I had the luxury of forgetting that my immune system functioned as a precise, intra-related cellular cascade. Suddenly, however, at the age of 45, I quickly transformed from a once-vibrant and high-achieving psychiatrist and ultra-marathoner—running ten miles during breaks between caring for patients—to a sickly, immunocompromised, and bed-ridden patient. My illness began when I was engaged in humanitarian work with war victims in Chechnya, where I was seen as challenging Russian policy and poisoned with what I suspect was anthrax.
Amma reminded me of my true inner gracious state. It felt auspicious and an intense honor to be held within Amma’s divinely feminine energy. My inner sense of grace remained with me throughout that sacred day.
Amma’s simple yet profound conviction – that each of us has a responsibility to lend a helping hand to those less fortunate – resonates deeply within my soul.
